You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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