Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
