i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
