Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Randomize
