How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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