I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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