i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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