I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
