the condom got lost in my hair
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
