I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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