i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
