i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just forgot I was standing up.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
