I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
