I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
