I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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