I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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