My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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