At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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