Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
