ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
