I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
