ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
