There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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