I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
