i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
