I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
