At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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