you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
