They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
