Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
