Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
