I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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