WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
