Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
