I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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