I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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