Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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