I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
