my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
