this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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