so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
