farters have to be the big spoon...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
