I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
