Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
