is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize