census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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