i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
