so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
