I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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