Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
