in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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