so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
