Need sex. Gaining weight.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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