Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
