so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
